Hell hath no fury like a woman outwitted by technology.
You heard me — nothing saps a woman’s creativity more than inexplicable technical glitches for which there is no logical pattern. No rhyme. No reason. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.00.
I haven’t yet pulled out my hair or fallen to the ground kicking and screaming. I am, after all, an intelligent adult woman. Instead, I have listened to very sad classical music and sobbed. I have looked at photos of beloveds (including pets) who have died and sobbed. I have turned on FOX News and sobbed (followed, of course, by screaming).
In a moment of rare clarity, I have decided to publish a post about my subscribers not consistently receiving email notifications when I publish a post. My thought is that I will feel better if I make a comprehensive list of my blog’s technical issues and that somehow the gods and goddesses and their little dogs, too, will become aware of my issues and FIX THEM. FOREVER AND EVER. AMEN. Here goes:
- After hours of searching, I choose a blog design theme out of 100,000 worldwide (seriously) that ends up requiring the expertise of someone who knows how to size a photo for the home page. Plus, that person needs to understand what “header” and “footer” mean on the home page. (HINT: They have nothing to do with the World Cup Soccer Tournament.) Thank God for Adrienne.
- I assume the black holes on the home page are for my avatar, but after deleting and republishing my avatar in Gravatar (a real site), the black holes are still there. I’m beginning to think that these holes lead to, yes, a technical abyss with no boundaries. No bottom. No rhyme. No reason. Do not pass go. Do not assume that this is the end of your technical glitches. I pay a WordPress tech to inform me that the black hole is for the featured image in a post which is clearly marked “FEATURED IMAGE” on my dashboard create-a-post page.
- I publish a post, assuming that beloveds who read it and subscribe using the subscription invite at the end will get an email notification the next time I publish a post. I do not know that I need to add an actual “Subscription Form” to the site, PLUS I need to know how to do that.
- The same WordPress tech who advised me previously (see #2) installs an email subscription “plug-in” — like an app for a smart phone except it makes a spitfire stupid because it is too sophisticated for said spitfire to program, i.e., “You need to use ‘{{ }}’ and not ‘[[ ]]’ or ‘(( ))’ when you input a command,” he tells me like I can even locate “{{” or “}}” on my keyboard. Exasperated (even though I paid him $59), the tech tells me that I must migrate my site to his company “or your problems are going to continue.” It will only cost $39/month. I insist that he install an email subscription plug-in that I can understand. He does, but I sense that he’s holding his nose while doing it.
- I discover that my website is not secure and needs what is called a “SSL certificate.” I rigorously research what the hell that is and learn that it would be easier to get Obama’s birth certificate than this certificate.
- The SSL certificate is installed, but NO ONE tells me that I have to manually add an “s” to the “http” in the URL which I “can easily find and add under ‘Admin Settings, but be certain to use ‘{{ }}’.” Huh?
- Because enough posts were published without an SSL certificate, the post notifications for most subscribers — particularly ones with a gmail address — are winding up in spam and continue to show up in spam even when subscribers mark them as “NOT SPAM.”
- Then, the only subscriber to receive a notification for a new recent post is a gmail subscriber whose notification appeared in her REGULAR MAIL BOX, not her SPAM box. Say it with me: No rhyme. No reason, blah, blah, blah.
- My web host company advises me that these glitches are most likely related to SPAM which, in turn, is related to a server which, in turn, is related to that dark, flooded Thailand cave — SO NOW WHAT?! Send in Navy Seals from across the world?
- Adrienne (thank God for Adrienne) creates step-by-step directions in an attempt to solve the gmail SPAM designation for emails received from me via this blog site. Will those directions work? Will anyone read this post? Will subscriber notifications end up in SPAM? Is my blog secure? From those Russians? The Deep State? A spitfire who is fast losing her spark?
Who knows? But I must push forward! SPAM BE DAMNED! Get thee behind me SPAM. Do NOT even LOOK this way! I must think positive!
Hope springs eternal! Live, laugh, love! Sing like no one is listening! Dance like no one is watching! {{And . . . post like no one is being notified!}}
I kinda hate to post this, but no one will be surprised to learn that the cable box for my television doesn’t consistently have a “good” signal (according to COMCAST Lab which is under “Settings” on the ON DEMAND menu), so the picture is often pixelated and/or freezes. I unplug and re-plug. I initiate “SYSTEM REFRESH.” The corporate support person initiates “SYSTEM REFRESH” because somehow their connection is better than mine even though my wire connection is 25 feet away from my house.
A COMCAST tech arrives the next day and informs me that because my home is “closer to the wire connection” my signal is so strong it’s shorting out the my signal.
ME: Can you make my signal weaker?
TECH: Then your neighbor at the very end of this row of houses won’t get a signal at all.
ME: You’re serious about this, aren’t you? You don’t have a wire or something that evenly distributes the signal?
TECH: Yes, but don’t worry, I weakened your signal so it’s normal. See? He holds out a thing-a-ma-gig that indicates “40” — that’s where your signal should be.
ME: Okay . . .
My TV works fine for two hours. Then again the pixelated picture and frozen picture. The next day ANOTHER COMCAST tech comes — the expert (who was the previous tech — an apprentice?). The expert tech tells me that my wire connection has been corroded by water.
EXPERT: See, it only says 3 (as he holds out HIS thing-a-ma-gig — that little computer thing, for heaven’s sake).
ME: That number was 40 just 24 hours ago.
EXPERT: No way it was 40. See, it says, 3.
ME: I see that, but I also saw a 40 just 24 hours ago.
The expert then tells me that he will have to “cut and splice” the corroded wire. He does that, sits and watches my TV for 15 minutes, leaves, and my picture is fine. For three days.
Then this past Saturday night as I am writing this post . . . yep, a pixelated and frozen picture. I contacted the expert (as he requested if anything went haywire or water-wire again). He texted me and said that he would come by yesterday.
I’m still waiting, but I’m beginning to think it’s those Russians.
The notification for this post appeared successfully in Adrienne’s regular gmail box. It had previously consistently appeared in SPAM. Her fix worked!
Thank God for Adrienne.
I’m exhausted just reading the post.
I’m also unavailable today for any technical assistance, due to my real job.
Thank God for Adrienne, who helps make my real job — writing my story every day — possible.
How perfectly frustrating! Thanks for honoring your creativity (and ours) by slogging through a quagmire of technical glitches. Then, when you go to unwind with a little TV … MORE! When you are frustrated, feel free to call me. I will be of absolutely NO tech help, but we can scream and cry together and reminisce about what we used to do with all our time in the old days!
Thanks, dear Beth. I know you were sending out positive Beth vibes despite your own technical headaches regarding signing up for a conference last evening. I’m beginning to wonder when we say or write “fingers crossed,” the universe hears it as “wires crossed.” Anyhoo — thank you for hanging in there with me and this blog.
COMCAST UPDATE: While I was out on my walk, the expert tech texted me and said that he will try and stop by today. Perhaps my TV will be fixed FOREVER AND EVER. AMEN. Wires crossed!
Wendy — a beloved friend since 1970 — sent me this email about five minutes ago:
“Hurray, got the notification in my inbox, with this statement included: ‘This message was not sent to Spam because of a filter you created.’ Kudos to Adrienne.
“Even though I’m so, so sorry you had to go through all the aggravation and tears, it was lovely getting an email from you almost every day. Peace be with you.”
Bless you for sharing this. My mother (70 years old), who is an author who has a website and social media accounts, goes through the same things and has been moved to many exhausted tears over this bullshit. You two should host a podcast called, “Glitch Bitch”, where people can call in and vent (bitch) about how the world moves faster than we can keep up!
“Glitch Bitch”! Brilliant. Seriously, I think your mother and I ought to try this. Thanks for the suggestion and thanks for reading this post.
Adrienne tells me there’s an “official” term for what your mother and I (and I’m sure others) have endured: “Poor User Experience.” P.U.E. — kinda sounds like “poo” or “p-u” or “loser” or “you’re more than 60 years old, aren’t you?” GRRRRRR.
Like Adrienne, I became fatigued just reading this post! Had to handle it in two sittings! BUT, I’m grateful you’ve stuck with it, and with us. And glad your site could serve as a good therapy spot for all these frustrations. Nothing like writing them all out in detail. I do this so often when a glitch pops up in my life. Write it out. Detail by detail, and gradually a bit of release oozes up from the slime.
Do I cross or un-cross fingers, toes, and wires for your tv? And thanks again to Adrienne. Could never have managed without her detailed directions. Hope soon you’ll be able to post some happier stuff!
Oh dear. I have created fatigue. Forgive me, Carol.
Out of curiosity, I checked how many times I edited today’s post. My dashboard keeps track of such things. I edited it 62 times. 62. Sixty-two. 6-2. Good Lord. What does THAT say about sticking with it? You are gracious to let me know that writing out frustrations in detail often allows release to ooze up from the slime bit by bit. But 62 edits? That’s a gusher.
“Hope soon you’ll be able to post some happier stuff!” There goes tomorrow’s post on Helsinki or as I would spell it, “Hell-Sink-Ye.”
Thanks for sticking with me, slime and all. xoxo
So, let me commend you for your emotional intelligence!! According to How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain, “the more time you take to distinguish the emotions you feel, to recognize them as distinct and different, the more emotionally intelligent you become. This is called ’emotional granularity.'” See, you are gaining a skill and it even has a name! Please do not ask if this emotional granularity solves your tech problems. Beyond my pay grade. Just want you to know that as usual you shine brilliantly.
“Emotional granularity.” Hmmmm. Seeing every aspect of my emotions like singular grains of sand. Thanks for the affirmation, Charlotte, and thanks, too, for pointing out that emotional granularity won’t help with tech problems. Emotions have no place in technology, kinda like I now have no place in corporate America. I was really bummed about that for about five years. Looking back, emotions don’t have much of a place in corporate America. How did I last for nearly 30 years?