“An undercover spy is about to impersonate you in all aspects of your life.
Write Instructions.”
A couple of weeks ago, as a way of kicking my writing ass, I asked my faithful writing companion and member of my writing group, The Write Wing (she wishes to remain anonymous) to send me weekly writing prompts. Leading this post was my first assignment from her. Following is how I completed it.
MEMORANDUM
TO: Case Officer, XXXXX [NAME REDACTED]/EYES ONLY
RE: Asset Sharon J. Anderson
As you know, Operation Sharonimo was initiated at 13:30, 10/13/18. Agent 99 is now in place and awaiting instructions on how to effectively and efficiently impersonate asset.
APPEARANCE:
Asset, 65 years of age, is approximately 5’7” tall and weighs between 140-144 pounds. Of Swedish descent, asset possesses a square jaw, a long sharp nose, blue/green eyes and shoulder-length brown hair highlighted by thin streaks of gray. She often wears her hair in a ponytail that she pulls through the hole in the back of any number of baseball caps to hide her habit of seldom combing or brushing her hair. [NOTE: She despises morning ablutions.] She has a large barely visible scar on the right side of her nose from surgery to remove a deep patch of squamous cancer in 2010. The surgical removal of more squamous cancer the following year left a two-inch scar on her chest approximately six inches above her heart.
ROUTINES:
Asset typically rises between 4:00 and 4:30. After going to the bathroom, asset weighs herself both naked and wearing walking clothes and records weight in her diary. She then brews one cup of coffee and cleans out a litter box. She is the caregiver to two adopted cats: Jem, a 15-pound, gray-with-white-mackerel-stripes male; and Scout, a five-pound, dark-brown-with-light-brown-and-black-mackerel-stripes female. After feeding Jem and Scout, asset watches the first hour of “Morning Joe” on MSNBC. She uses profanity while watching, often resorting to her go-to expletive, “Fuck this shit!” which she shouts aloud.
For 30 to 60 minutes, asset writes and meditates in her small writing room, usually reading several poems and a chapter or two from books atop her writing desk that she chooses at random.
She then walks. And walks and walks.
For walking, she wears one of six pair of New Balance walking shoes that she rotates daily as well as walking shorts or capris in spring/summer and sweatpants in fall/winter. She wears a purple belly bag around her waist that she never zippers shut to accommodate a sandwich bag filled with mini dog biscuits that she gives to any dogs she may meet while she walks. [Please refer to attachment for names of dogs and their approximate location on her walking routes.] She wears ear buds and typically listens to Russian minimalist classical composers, Max Richter’s 8-hour classical composition, “Sleep,” Nine Inch Nails, Kendrick Lamar and movie soundtracks, her current go-to being the sing-a-long version of, “The Greatest Showman.” [NOTE: Asset listens to music nearly every minute she is awake.] She walks, on average, six miles during weekdays and seven to eight miles on weekends. She often checks her iPhone for the time, upcoming songs, email, weather and Trump tweets. Before walking on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, she does floor exercises, stretching and weight lifting for 25 minutes.
Asset spends the afternoon in her second bedroom, completing writing assignments for her one client – a trucking services company in Oklahoma City. She also fuels a blog: www.sparkandspitfire.com
Asset is partnered with XXXXXX [NAME REDACTED — not on the terror list] who lives .4 miles away, and asset typically leaves her home at 17:00 to dine with XXXXXX. Their meals consist of a protein (chicken, salmon, sausage, beef, etc.) and salad greens. She then returns to her home and is usually sleeping with lights out by 21:00.
Every Thursday, she cleans her bathroom and kitchen; and every Friday, the rest of her home. This includes shaking area rugs, vacuuming and damp-mopping the floors and dusting all surfaces.
Asset daily spot cleans and wipes her feet every time she enters her home.
Tune in tomorrow for Part Two of “Operation Sharonimo” which will detail asset’s skills and hobbies, character traits and emotions. I will also share the feedback I received from my faithful writing companion for this first writing assignment.
BLACK AND WHITE POST PHOTO: “Fleur No. 4” (1992) by Catriona Fraser, purchased from the photographer in 1994.
This writing prompt was not assigned in two parts. I divided it into two parts to accommodate the current ability of educated readers to maintain focus and patience when reading an article or book, etc. That ability is now 3 to 5 minutes. That’s right, people. Most educated Americans will NOT read anything that takes longer than five minutes to read.
I think that’s alarming, and what does it say about me who reads for 3 to 4 hours a pop? Even without Smarties (the significance of which will be revealed in tomorrow’s post).
In case you’re wondering . . . yes, I’ve already cleaned my kitchen. Will now do my floor exercises and stretching before cleaning my bathroom.
Number of times I’ve uttered, “Fuck this shit!” during the first hour of today’s “Morning Joe”: 3
This is a fun piece. I can visualize so much of it. p.s. I concur with the Morning Joe segment. Fuck this shit x2
Sharie, this was fun and interesting to read. I love your ponytail and had no idea you wore your hair that way for the reason you state above. I wish my ponytail looked like yours and not the little stub mine, unfortunately, looks like. So much detail in your piece – down to what you eat for dinner with XXXXXX. I’m looking forward to reading about the significance of Smarties in tomorrow’s blog. Great writing! xoxoxo
Thanks, Merrie Lee, for taking the time to read this post and to comment — very generous and thoughtful.
You didn’t know that I don’t like to comb or brush my hair? Or wash my face? Or shower? Showering would be so much more pleasant if I could read while in there. Adrienne is constantly stunned that I’m in and out, hair washed, etc. in less than two minutes.
And about Smarties . . . what can I say? I still have the taste buds of an 8-year-old. But tomorrow’s post will reveal their critical and strategic importance. xoxoxo
I have participated in the flow of your “regular”days before as a visitor and this description is accurate because I found myself missing you. Thanks for the glimpse into your life. I look forward to the next installment.
What a sweet comment, Beth. Needless to say, I miss you very much, too.
Well, I thought I knew you fairly well, but…
I never thought of you as a very “scheduled” person, but it sounds like you’re almost as scheduled as I am! Though I have to admit that just reading your schedule left me feeling slightly exhausted, and I’m glad I’m not the person who is to impersonate you! Couldn’t even begin to keep up the pace. If I had to choose one word to describe my sense of you from this piece, I think I would choose the word “intense.” You do seem to bring all of yourself to whatever it is you do–whether it’s setting aside time to read poetry or handing out treats to dogs on your walk. I sense from reading this that you’re always “all there.”
I so appreciate your comment, Carol, because I think I lead quite a dull life. Helps to have your wise perspective. Thank you.